Erica's Pensieve

I am pathetic.

Mood: Irritated, bothered

Why do I even bother trying. I should know by now how it is. Can’t change how people are if that’s who they are. Maybe if I can’t handle it, then I should just give up.. no use wasting my time. I’m trying to wait it out to see what to do. I have my needs too. That is all.

Love is long suffering,
love is kind,
it is not jealous,
love does not boast,
it is not inflated.
It is not discourteous,
it is not selfish,
it is not irritable,
it does not enumerate the evil.
It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth
It covers all things,
it has faith for all things,
it hopes in all things,
it endures in all things.
Love never falls in ruins;
but whether prophecies, they will be abolished; or
tongues, they will cease; or
knowledge, it will be superseded.

Makes me wonder, am I really in love or is this just an infatuation? I don’t want to get too fast into things.. so I bought myself some time. But where did all my willpower go? I’m very confused on what’s going on. I don’t want to go with the flow, because.. because why? I don’t know. These gummi bears are driving me nuts, I swear.

So I was thinking today.. life is a huge joker. He really likes to throw curve balls at unsuspecting victims. Just when you think everything is going fine, something happens that throws it all off balance.. makes you rethink things. It takes you out of your comfort zone and you begin to figure yourself out more, what kind of person you really are. Sometimes it can be a really humbling experience.

In a psychology class, I learned that people’s opinions and ideas about things (especially when it involves themselves) are biased according to their visual perspective. People search for external stimuli to base their moods and emotions in situations. This is why when people argue with each other, it is very hard to emphasize with the other person’s position and vice-versa, since all we see is them, and all they see is us.. so they essentially attribute their negative emotions to the person/situation they are looking at. What life does by throwing these curve balls is it virtually takes one out of their visual perspective and forces them to see the bigger picture.

I am still searching for myself, so I am appreciative of these experiences. Besides, it would be too boring if everything always went smoothly. Just being alive and being able to have all these experiences is a gift. People search for “a purpose” their whole lives, but maybe the purpose of life is to just live and pass on genes so that others can experience life as well. If there isn’t a God, there is definitely a force that pushes life. Something called “chance” or “opportunity”. The chances of life forming are miniscule, but it was possible so it happened. But why was it possible? There must be a force that pushes it to be possible. But human intelligence is limited – so trying to understand the concept is like a monkey trying to understand Shakespeare. Haha.

…or how one of my friends likes to put it, “It’s like a monkey frantically smashing on a piano keyboard and finally by accident it plays the Eine kleine Nachtmusik by Mozart. Impossible, but the chance is still there, given an infinite amount of time.”

My thoughts are driving me mad…maybe writing them all down will help to settle my mind. This will be a place for all my random, sometimes incoherent, thoughts/ramblings.. for the sole purpose of driving other people mad with my ADHD tendencies. o(^_^)o Enjoy reading!

• Current location: my bed
• Currently craving: sushi
• Reason for posting: bored and can’t sleep
• Currently listening to: My Favorite Game – The Cardigans

I love this song because it can take on so many different meanings.. like when I was addicted to gaming, I would listen to it while grinding all night, unable to stop.. basically in a trance with the sole goal of becoming better and better – I was stupid back then so I took the song pretty literally: sh*t, monsters gonna kill me and make me lose my favorite game! lol

Then I had a wake up call from one of my friends, who basically put things into perspective for me. It’s either the game or your life. So the song meaning for me morphed into something like: Life is the game I’m losing and instead of me vs. the monsters, it was me vs. the game. Life is kind of like a game, isn’t it? Except you can’t just log off and come back (don’t you wish it had this function?).

The more I played, the more similarities I found between life and games (especially RPGs). For one, there will always be a-holes and people who will scoff at you and your goals. Two, there is a ladder you climb up.. and working hard is the only way to go up that ladder. There will always be people who try to cheat or “hack” their way through it, but they will never feel accomplished by doing that, instead be constantly on the look out (for mods or police :p).. but why carry that kind of stress? I can never understand their logic. Then once you get to the very top and everything becomes settled, it gets kind of boring. When you have everything and there’s no more competition left, you feel this sense of dissatisfaction.

Anyway, I totally went off on a tangent there..

The song is general enough to mean many different things. “My Favorite Game” can be anything that someone depends on – whether it is a person, thing, or an idea. On the surface, it seems to be just about love.. like someone who is not giving enough in a relationship. But something about it made me think about drugs and addiction. At some point when you are addicted, you need more and more to get the same level of satisfaction you felt the first time. I guess love can be like an addiction too. Games, drugs, love, life.. it’s very easy to feel desensitized from the constant stimulus, to become emotionless to everything around you. Things start to feel unreal. Occasionally things happen, which knock you out of that hypnotic state. But it’s only a temporary release. Maybe it was in desperation (or selfishness?), that made me want to embrace a new stimuli, but I know what happens, so this time I am hesitant.

I try not to be selfish, but I can’t escape it. Human nature being what it is – selfish at core. Sometimes I confuse myself.. is it selfishness, or.. obsession? Maybe I can’t help feeling this way, because I know I tried my best to stop. I guess my obsession goes hand in hand with selfishness.. I end up hurting people I love. Simply continuing after knowing this fact makes me selfish.